Funny things happen when you’re hungover and the weather’s sh*tty. Following our regular Friday night cocktails and karaoke routine, neither my wife nor I felt like doing much of anything. Driven by boredom and neglect, my wife decided that she needed to suck it up and go get her feet and eyebrows done. That’s when the aforementioned funny thing happened: I said, “screw it. I’ll come too.”
My reasoning was as follows: Every time my wife comes back from getting a pedicure, she goes on and on about how awesome it is. Also, I really needed to cut my toenails. That involved bending over (which sounded hard), and I assumed a toenail trim would be part of the experience. So I went. We walked the 50 yards or so to the nail place across the street from us. I didn’t know what to expect.
Surprisingly, upon entering the nail salon, there was no banner reading, “Welcome To Sissytown, Population: You.” Instead, there were just some chairs and magazines (even guy’s ones). Since it wasn’t crowded, after shamefully admitting to the receptionist that, yes, I wanted the spa pedicure (at my wife’s insistence), we were led to these gigantic chairs with whirlpool-looking basins at the bottom. We were offered coffee, tea and water, all without so much as a splash of judgment. Well, maybe they were judging, but I'll never know. Whatever. If I’m going to pay you to scrub my feet, I guess I can condone some clandestine sh*t-talking.
You know it's time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
— BeckyLeigh (@PrettyInCamo11) February 12, 2014
In short, a pedicure is this: f*cking awesome. If you’re still not sold and insist on being a risk-averse square, I’ll expound. Basically, you sit in a gigantic, awesome massage chair and read last month’s Men’s Health, which is fine because that magazine is basically Cosmo for men and every issue is the same. Meanwhile, your feet soak in the whirlpool thing. Next, a girl comes over and trims your nails, cleans them and trims the cuticles. Then they scrape all the scaly sh*t off your heels and big toe.
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This does not hurt, but it might tickle. Resist the urge to giggle like a schoolgirl, because if you do your technician will look at the woman next to her and some more sh*t-talking will commence. After that, a lot of massaging, exfoliating and salve-applying goes on. Hot towels may be involved, maybe some hot paraffin. Finally, you’ll be asked if you want clear polish. You do not.
And that’s it. It’s over almost too fast, because another few minutes in that massage chair would have been nice. On your way to the front, you might draw some judgy stares from women customers. You pay and you tip. You tip well, because part of you still feels like you don’t belong there, like you accidentally walked into the girls’ bathroom or something. Then you leave. You agree with your wife that your feet do indeed feel awesome. Yes, honey, they did a great job with your eyebrows this time.
That’s all there is to it, yet I don’t know of any guy who’ll do it, or at least admit to it. No, it is not necessary in any way. But will I do it again? Yes. In a way, I do see why most men refuse to get a pedicure. Aside from being a totally unnecessary treatment, a nail salon is seriously uncharted territory for most of us. But, really, there’s no downside. Your feet come out looking and feeling better, both to you and your lady friend.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
— Mrs. Dick Helicopter (@Hormonella) August 8, 2012
Are you worried about seeing someone there? Who? One of your bros? That’s not going to happen. But if it did, why would you be embarrassed? He’s there too, after all. I can’t say I’d advise using the nail salon to pick up chicks, but for the most part, any girl there will understand and appreciate you taking the initiative to take care of yourself a little more than the average guy.
Get over yourself and get your feet cleaned up. You will not be sorry.
If on the off chance you really don't want to go to a prissy nail salon (or don't live anywhere near one, or would actually be chastised for visiting one, or whatever), you can give yourself a reasonable facsimile in the privacy of your own home. It won't be as comfortable or relaxing as paying someone to do it, but it can be done. The first thing you'll want to do is take a nice, long shower to clean and soften your nails and skin. From there, you only need a few things:
Dedicated toenail clippers. You're probably making your fingernail clippers pull double duty, which is a dangerous game to play. These are larger and sturdier, meaning they'll work with less effort and with less risk of fracturing the nail. Clip them across at a straight angle to avoid ingrown nails.
$14.00 at Amazon.com
A foot scrubby thing. At a salon, they'll use either a modified razor or something that looks like a cheese grater to scrub the dead skin off your feet. The Ped Egg is basically an in-home version of what they use, and serves the same purpose. It might look gnarly, but all you'll feel is a light tickle, if anything.
$11.51 at Amazon.com
Cuticle remover. In the salon, the nail tech will use cuticle oil to soften them, followed by a special tool to gently cut and remove the dead skin. Instead, this solution does both, softening the cuticles before taking the dead skin with it when you wipe it away.
$20.00 at Amazon.com
So, yeah. For about the price you'd pay to have one done, you could buy all the necessary gear to do it yourself several times over. But seriously, go get one first. Totally worth it.