The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch — or several.
Hi Dating Nerd,
This hot girl I know (let's call her Nadine) just started dating this fat guy. Not like a dad bod — like, a legitimately fat guy. She's this stunning babe that I've been pining over for months now and she rebuffs me and jumps in bed with this fat slob. What the hell is with that? I’m not handsome but I clean up nice and most of the time. What the hell does he have that I don't?
– Not Hot, But Not Fat
Hi Not Fat,
Well, first of all, some women are just, as the old frat boy saying goes, chubby chasers. Never forget that female tastes are as diverse and unconventional as male tastes. Some women like to kiss stinky feet. Some women like concocting bondage fantasies with men in luchador masks. Have I ever told you about that corporate lawyer who tried to get me to screw a hot dog bun? No? OK, well, perhaps that’s a story for another time.
But I assume that’s not what you’re talking about — you’re wondering why this fat guy has managed to land a stone cold stunner with, as far as you can tell, a mostly mainstream taste in dudes. After all, you’re way more attractive than him — aren’t you? And, being that you’re more physically fit, you can probably get more done in the sack, right?
Well, you might be wrong. See, this is just another piece of evidence that points towards a fairly obvious conclusion, which is this: The most attractive male trait is confidence. Basically everything else is secondary.
Reader, let me tell you about two men I know — let’s call them Jerry and Terry. One’s a chump, the other isn’t.
Jerry, on paper, should be absolutely drowning in female attention. He’s tall, blue eyed, slim, and built. He’s a J.Crew model, except real, and heterosexual. He’s got the whole wardrobe worked out, the beautiful apartment, the job that pays in the mid-six figures. Basically, he’s an accomplished, full-grown dude, of the kind that women are always complaining is nonexistent in the era of the millennial.
And he absolutely can’t get a girlfriend. Why? Because he has absolutely no self-esteem. There’s a reason he worked so hard to be the very image of an adult alpha male. It’s because he was looking to cover up the fact that he’s lonely and desperate. But he hasn’t really made any psychological changes — just superficial ones.
The way he behaves with women, therefore, is cringeworthy. It’s so sad watching him do the same thing over and over. Basically, he falls in love with anyone who gives him the time of day. Go on two dates with him, and the poor guy’s all like, “Come away with me, please change my life.” He’s the opposite of self-assured. I’m sure, also, he’s read books full of sex tips, but as soon as he actually gets in bed, he’s incredibly awkward, because he thinks, “I better do everything exactly perfect,” and never just lets go and displays real passion.
OK. So, obviously, you don’t want to be that way. Probably, you want to be more like Terry.
Terry is fat. Not slightly — it’s not like he has a few extra pounds he could shave off at the gym. Nope. He’s huge. There’s just no way to put it politely.
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But Terry is, well, Terry is a compelling person. The guy is a serial entrepreneur who just sold his third company. He’s not just a corporate drone — he’s effective. This is a guy who walks into a room of rich investors and says, “Give me money for this fantastic project” and they say, “Yes.” Yesterday, we had lunch, and he told me, nonchalantly, that he’s going to go motorbiking in Myanmar, just for a low-key vacation. His life is as colorful as lives can get.
How did he get this way? Well, Terry grew up knowing that he didn’t have a chance with the popular girls in high school. And, rather than spending all his time longing for sexy times with the Hollister-type blondes who were so disgusted they didn’t even look at him, he got to work. Terry taught himself computers, and he taught himself business — and he learned that he was a valuable human being, even if that wasn’t worth much on the sexual marketplace. Before long, he was a funny, smart, charismatic person with a staggering list of achievements.
I bet you can see where this is going. Terry is drowning in female attention. Basically, every three months, he’s dating a different jaw-dropping babe. Probably he’ll settle down sooner or later, but he’s not anxious about it. He doesn’t need women to make his life lively. And, as a result, his confidence is bulletproof. That’s exciting. People want to be around that.
Also? If I were a betting man, I’d bet that Terry is probably pretty great at sex. While he can’t pull off any acrobatic stunts, he’s probably not like, “oh my God oh my God how can I do that secret G-spot move I read in a magazine.” He’s just like, “here we are, so let’s have fun.” He’s not constantly thinking about how to impress women in every way, because he knows he’s a genuinely impressive person.
Now, the lesson here isn’t “You should gain a bunch of weight and become an entrepreneur.” The lesson is that being handsome will only get you so far — you need something extra. Something that draws people to you. Confidence, passion, drive. You need to be an actually interesting person.
You know how people say “Pretty girls are a dime a dozen?” Well, that principle goes for handsome men, as well. There are a lot of super cute dullards out there, who’ll get dressed up all nice for a dinner date, and then say nothing of any substance to a totally bored gorgeous person. They’ll get the dates, but they won’t go the distance.
Also? Any hot girl can sleep with a hot guy at any time. This girl you’re talking about could just walk up to any given dude in a bar and say, “Hey, wanna look at my stamp collection?” Real confidence is much rarer than good looks.
So, if you’re jealous of this fat dude, be more like him. Don’t assume that women will fall at your feet just because they like your face. Ideally, you should become more interesting — find a dream, and chase it. But if you can’t pull that off, at least try to be confident. Fake it till you make it — all confidence is fake confidence, at first. Moreover, don’t depend on women for your self-esteem. Because that kind of neediness is endlessly unattractive. Way more unattractive than an extra fifty pounds. Trust me.